My friends are crazy
I was having a wonderful talk the other night with a friend of mine about life, love, spirituality, creativity and community. One thing that I realized during this talk was that a lot of my friends have been diagnosed with a mental illness of some sort. Often this diagnosis occurs after an addiction crisis brings the mental illness to the forefront. I have lost track of how many people I know that have received treatment for concurrent disorders. What kinds of friends do I attract? Mostly bi-polar and manic depressive people.. although I do tend to also have friends with mild forms of autism, schizophrenia, and disassociation disorder. Almost all of these friends suffer from post traumatic stress disorder. I was diagnosed with PTSD with a strong element of dissociation as a trait in my PTSD. Thankfully this isn’t something that needs medication because if I was told I needed to take medication I very highly doubt I would take it.
The thing is.. my friends are BRILLIANT. My friends are the most amazing people with depth, talent, passion, compassion, loyalty.. Really I think my friends are those people that shine above the rest. Their values reach so far beyond the mundane that seems to fill so many people’s lives. They are all tough, resilient and highly intelligent… And they are considered crazy.
I stopped by a friend’s house last night and she was watching this http://www.ted.com/talks/ken_robinson_says_schools_kill_creativity.html In the presentation he talks about how too often we actually get educated out of our brilliance. In his mind we are all brilliant and it is the educator’s job to help children grow their natural talents not stifle them. I couldn’t agree more, except that I think this applies to everyone, not just children. I also believe that as adults we are responsible for helping those around us embrace who they are rather than trying to get people (troubled or not) to fit a mold that we deem appropriate. In truth I think everyone is crazy when it comes down to it. If you peel back the layers and get to really know someone it seems that way. How can teach ourselves to harness our beautiful craziness and direct it where we want it to go? It isn’t the craziness that is the problem.. it is the suffering that results from constantly stifling it. Don’t get me wrong. I do think there is a time and place for medication when it comes to mental illness. I have heard of many cases when there has been a chemical imbalance and medication has helped many of my friends. But I think sometimes we medicate just to make these people fit a mold that they were never meant to fit. In the link above there is a part where Ken Robinson tells the story of a child in the 1930’s who was sent to a psychiatrist because she obviously had a learning disorder. The girl couldn’t concentrate or sit still in class. The psychiatrist turned on the music, took the mother of the child outside and for a few moments and showed her how her daughter moved to the music. Then he said ”Mrs Lynn, Gillian isn’t sick.. she’s a dancer”. For some reason that really touched me. A large percent of my friends are told they are crazy but really how many of them are just dancers?
Filed under: Family, Health | 5 Comments
Tags: beautiful friendships, bi-polar, intelligence, manic depressive, mental illness, passion
Keeping our hearts open
I am worried about a friend. This friend is very ill with addiction and is wasting away. I guess I knew this was going to happen. I saw it coming years ago. It was predictable. If you dance on the edges of razor blades for years of course you are going to get hurt. Yet the time is here and I find myself oddly surprised. It is always surprising, addiction, no matter how much you brace yourself for it.
I think the hardest part is how helpless it feels to be on the outside. What do I do? What can I do? I have to do something.. but what? And how much can I do? How much can I give without totally exhausting myself and my finances in the process. It is this slippery slope. A possible black hole that could suck me in and leave me drained. But I have to do something. Even if my actions fall empty and no positive results come from them. I have to do something.
There have been many times in my life I have been confused about how to keep my heart open without leaving it so wide open that I allow it to be abused. Maintaining healthy boundaries has been something I have often struggled with. As I see my friend in pain though I feel a deep sadness. I feel soft and open and like the pain of others is my own pain. Ironically the past few days since I have been feeling this way I have been surrounded by addicts. On my lunch break walks the addicts have been swarming me in a way they usually don’t. It is like they know that drug abuse is a theme in my mind. I have been followed, asked for money, talked to, pleaded and begged to.. I don’t feel scared. I don’t feel any of these people will hurt me but the closeness is a bit intimidating sometimes. Yesterday on my walking route there was a man lying on the grass (right out in the open) with a beautiful young women sticking a needle into his neck. Right there.. right on the side of the road. A few friends were around them. They smiled at me as I walked by.
I just don’t know what to do.
Filed under: Family, Health, Streets | Leave a Comment
Tags: drug abuse, friendship, healing, helpless
Is it real?
As many of you know I am very interested in the paranormal.. or the magickal… or the “energetic vibrational alternative healing techniques” or other new agey kind of stuff. Despite my love of all things mystical I also seem to surround myself with very grounded and highly skeptical friends. I am often left questioning myself. Is what I want to be true actually true?
In Victoria we have tons of healers.. I have had sound therapy, reiki, hypnotism, acupuncture, crystal therapy, chakra attunement, qi gong healing, naturopathic counselling, homeopathic counselling and a whole bunch of other types of healing that I can’t even remember. I have gone to tarot readers, pyschics, shamans, exorcisms… the list goes on and on. Honestly all I can say is that for me MOST of this has all been hogwash. The only things that made a real noticeable difference was the acupuncture and naturopathic treatment and that makes sense seeing as the amount of schooling these practitioners had to go through was rather intense.
The thing is.. for some people these techniques I consider hogwash do work. Why? And why do they not work for me? And why when things are so obviously false do people still cling to the idea that they are not? An example was a psychic who I worked with. This person foresaw a big earthquake was coming to the island. We were all going to be washed away to our watery graves and this was going to happen in 1998. Several people moved to the interior of B.C.. selling their businesses, changing everything in their lives.. but then she was wrong.. And I find myself wondering how these people justified this to themselves. I suspect they have built another fantasy. Actually the death was the death of their “island self”.. it was all symbolic and necessary to bring them to their new life inland or something. But really.. it was just a scam. She was wrong. End of story. I am sure people will do the same sort of fantasy telling when 2012 doesn’t bring the epic crash quite like we thought it would. People will find a way to make it true. People will change the story so it makes sense.
I think what it comes down to is that life is much more about our perceptions than reality. We bend and shape what we see. If we really believe we will be healed chances are we will. Maybe that healing won’t be physical. Maybe as we lay dying we will realize it was emotional peace we actually wanted and we got it. I don’t know. But I know that what we think has much more power to affect change in our life than we give it credit for.
I am sure I sound a bit like I am new age bashing but I am not really. I think healers are necessary. If nothing else I think having someone care for you and pay attention to you even if you are paying for it is a good thing. Ironically some of the women I know who have been prostitutes feel this way about their profession. They are healers too. Acknowledging we need healing. Seeking it out and actually handing over our hard earned cash for it. I am sure this makes it real for many people. But is it real? And who really is doing the work? Is it the healer? Or the person being healed.
For now I leave you with this http://www.skepdic.com/essays/energyhealing.htm and this http://www.hno.harvard.edu/gazette/2002/04.18/09-tummo.html
Two fun things I read today that got me thinking.
Filed under: Health | 5 Comments
I moved..
Yesterday I woke to the sound of a train whistling. There was a rainbow in the sky and beautiful light misty rain falling. I came home after work to a flower in my mailbox. I have no idea where it came from but I was charmed to see it there. I have only been there a few days but the new house feels like home.
The place isn’t perfect.. The stairs creak and there is a faint smell of animal that seems to be lingering in the place no matter how much incense I burn. I worry about rodents but haven’t seen any droppings yet. Then there is the floor in the kitchen which is appalling. The lime green kitchen walls clash with the seventies retro flooring in that special kind of way that only a rental building would ever be subjected to. But all in all I really like it. It feels very familiar to me even though I have only lived there a few days. I like the area too. The drive through the industrial area to get there is kind of weird but once you are in Vic West there is same kind of character that Fernwood used to have before everything started getting subdivided and fixed up. Do you remember those days? The days when no one wanted to live in Fernwood because it was a bit run down. So many of us lived in old huge houses with fireplaces and overgrown gardens. This place feels a little like those places did.
The move was easy. I paid someone to move the big bed. That was the right decision. The rest was done over a few days by me and some wonderful friends who I am very grateful for. We moved boxes and then drank tea and had munchies while the kids ran around in the yard. It was a good way to break in the new place. I am a bit tired from it all though. There is a disorganized energy that comes along with moving that seems unavoidable. I reach for the toilet paper and my hand hits the wall.. I try to find a pen.. or a clock.. or a coffee filter… all of these things are hiding on me. I even get out of bed on the wrong side now.. well.. the new side I guess. This house seems to have everything in the opposite side as my last place. It is taking a bit to get used to it. It is just little things though. I know in a few weeks all of this settling will be done. Spring is coming and I have a yard filled with god knows what kinds of plants all starting to peak there little heads through the soil right now. I am excited about seeing what grows. Cara found carrots, daisies, lemon balm and chives when she was looking. I am sure there are many more things in there too. Ya.. I am exhausted but happy with the new place. I’ll post pictures once I am a bit more organized.
Filed under: Home | 6 Comments
Street living.. and dying.
Credit to Professional Recreationalist on Flickr
Victoria recently lost a member of their street community. The story is incredibly sad and can be read here. I don’t think anyone is really to blame and I don’t think it was intentional violence despite the tragic outcome. This one hit me a little harder because I knew the girl who died.. Well.. knowing isn’t really the right term. I was familiar with her face and often walked by her when she was pan handling. I’d been seeing her on and off for years and was always happy she hadn’t hardened herself yet. Sometimes there was sadness in her face but never that numb coldness that people get when they have lived on the streets too long or have been totally consumed by addiction. She had an innocent nature and I always felt a fondness for her. She reminded me of people I hung out with when I was younger.
My walks home from the store or work are often filled with “hellos” from street people. The area I live in is heavily populated with street people because it is so close to downtown. They are part of my community. I know that usually any money I give will just go to feed some addiction so I tend not to give change to pan handlers. The amount of people begging is so great though I have started buying a bit of extra food to give out when I walk home. Food isn’t necessarily what people begging want but I feel that the act of giving is important. Poverty is multi leveled. People suffer from physical poverty but more often it is spiritual or emotional poverty that is really the crux of the problem. When I was living in such a state it really meant something to me that people were willing to give. One person in particular springs to mind (Brenda Carr in Vancouver). She never gave me money but she gave me clean socks, a toothbrush, a place to do art and a used bed, all without judgment or pity towards me and my circumstances. Really she gave me a lot but it is difficult to put into words how she gave.
Last week I went down to the makeshift memorial set up for Harley on Pandora Street. It really is incredibly sweet. There are teddy bears, flowers, tokens, memories, and many letters written to her on cardboard which has a certain poignancy seeing as she lived on the streets and no doubt slept on cardboard many nights. There is an incredible amount of love pouring out in the messages and I think it really shows the best of the street community. It is a community. We can learn a lot from street people about love, being genuine, sharing and community. I think a lot of people don’t realize that. There is a tendency to alienate ourselves from these people making huge assumptions about their lives and circumstances. I think that is a mistake.
I will be moving soon.. out of my neighbourhood full of street people. Usually people would be happy to move away from such an area but you know.. I feel a little sad about it. I will miss seeing these people every day. It’s sort of odd really. Usually people are happy to leave these kind of neighbourhoods but I find it kind of homey for some odd reason.
Filed under: Streets | Leave a Comment
Tags: poverty, social issues, Street community
Ha ha.. I am married..
I like to write more often than I have been but lately living my life seems to be taking up most of my time (leaving me very little time for writing).
I got married last week. Yep. Really. I have a husband. The whole thing makes me laugh for some reason. I don’t know why. I guess because it all feels so grown up and I just can’t seem to actually think of myself as a grown up despite the wrinkles appearing on my skin and the eleven year old child in my house I seem to be responsible for. The ceremony was very small and sweet and mostly just about getting the paperwork signed. We plan on having the big wedding celebration later after we have gotten through the immigration process. We spent a couple nights at Swans afterwards which was both lovely and surreal. I don’t think I have ever spent time in a hotel in my own town. It is kind of fun. It feels like you are somewhere exotic or far away and then you step outside the building and “Voila!” you know most of the bums by name, know where all the good restaurants are.. and you can even go home and feed the cat.
In general I feel pretty happy, very much in love, stable and relatively content with life at the moment. I have a small feeling of dread when I think about Sebastiaan having to leave again (next week) but we are on the home stretch now and it won’t be that much longer before all this “back and forthing” is done. I am relieved. The distance has been hard and has often left me feeling as if my life is a bit on hold. I will be glad when all the emailing is done and we can just wake up to each other in the mornings.
On another note.. We got our new wedding bed today (graciously paid for by family) It is HUGE. It almost takes up my WHOLE ROOM it’s so big. I am very excited about sleeping on it tonight.
Filed under: Family, marriage | 1 Comment
Tags: long distance relationship, love, wedding
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- My friends are crazy
- Keeping our hearts open
- Bodhisattva in metro
- Is it real?
- I love this.. and I love that I know people who would do something like this..
- I moved..
- Street living.. and dying.
- Not much of my own actual writing lately.. but here’s another vid.
- Star Wars..
- Ha ha.. I am married..
- Good stress… bad stress…
