A bit of a wake up call..
I am suffering a bit from post holiday blues… Two days back and already my stress levels are rising. The house is a mess. It has been for months. There are just piles of crap not being dealt with and new stuff coming in that is just randomly being shoved wherever there is space. There is moldy food in the fridge and everything is dusty. The amount of work I have to get done at my job before I leave for maternity is pretty much impossible and I am feeling extremely overwhelmed with my life as it normally sits.
It was a bit of a wake up call coming home. Things are not working in my life right now and I obviously need some re-prioritizing so that I can move forward happy rather than frustrated. I suppose part of this has come about because I am pregnant and I am trying to live a full life with a rather dramatically reduced energy level. But still.. I think some reevaluation is needed. First and foremost.. I want to get rid of about half the crap that has piled up in my house and the crap that is left needs a place so some shelves need to be bought, a drill, and some coat racks. Whatever doesn’t fit after that is going out. It was funny… when I came home I went into the bathroom and the first thing I wanted to do was throw everything in there out. I had been living a full life and had managed to fit everything I needed in a travel bag so why the hell do I have a bathroom full of products?
We are so consumer driven.. we have so much stuff. I feel almost drowned in this fact whenever I come back from a trip. Truth is.. I am nomadic.. I happier living out of a backpack. Now how the hell am I going to translate this simplicity to being a family of four? I have no real idea but I think simplifying life is pretty vital for me and is something I need to focus on.
The other thing I have realized is that all my normal stress reducing activities have pretty much taken a back seat in my life. Part of that is pregnancy again. I am not actually allowed to mountain bike, do active yoga, or surf right now.. but when I think about those activities I realize that part of the stress release was just being outside.. or being in a studio.. away from my house, away from the cell phone and the computer. If I can’t actually be a nomad right now I can at least give myself a few hours on the weekends taking myself to the woods… I can at least provide myself with some studio time somewhere where I actually allow myself to rest and reset. I can take time for myself.. I need to take time for myself.
I suppose it is good that I went away.. just so I could remember that feeling of being happy. I hadn’t even realized I was unhappy to be honest until I felt the tension melt away. So often we have this idea that life is supposed to be hard but I don’t believe it. We aren’t here to struggle and we aren’t here to be stressed. My priority for the next little while is going to be looking at areas of my life I can simplify. More quiet time. More surrounding myself with beauty and taking some moments to just be.. rather than do.
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It is so bloody hot here..
Although I love it in many ways and the heat is such a relief from the Canadian winter it is almost unbearable.. especially at night when it makes sleeping difficult. Judah and I are staying at Shambalah in a dorm room. Basically it is a long open room with rows of beds all covered with mosquito netting. Saying it is rustic would be an understatement. There are no fans.. no power plugs.. just our beds and one hell of a beautiful view over the ocean. I feel a bit like we are living in an episode of Gilligan´s Island.. or Lord of the Flies minus the whacky children.
Things are simple here. Really simple. Not much happens and when they do happen it all goes very slow. Businesses are always out of money and never have change. Restaurants run out of food and you have to order three or four times before you actually hit a menu item they have. The fruit juice is amazing though… and the pace although frustrating at first becomes appealing after a few days. I wake up in the morning and I have no idea how much time has passed. I don´t know what day it is.. one day just bleeds slowly into the next. My skin gets darker and darker and the longer I am here the more people recognize me on the streets. Things are starting to get cheaper. Extra food gets put our plates… This is a weird place. So many people come here when they are lost and broken. It is a place where people are seeking something but I don´t think many of them know what it is they are looking for. I love it though.. it is quirky and weird but it kind of gets under your skin somehow. I think Judah likes it too although he also is missing people back home. There are no other foreign kids here. Just Mexicans.. so he is kind of on his own.
Canada seems very very far away. It is like my life there is some distant dream I had. I can´t believe we have been here just over a week. I feel so different. So relaxed. I hope when I return I can keep some of this feeling..
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Really our trip has been a bit of a gong show so far. Our luggage was lost on the ferry before we left Canada and we ended up having to do some extra running around before we even got to the damn airport. Then our plane had a screamer. The turbulents weren´t all that bad but they seem a lot scarier when someone behind you screams and hyperventilates everytime the plane moves a bit. However the plane was near empty and I was able to have three whole seats to myself to lay down which was delightful. Oddly enough Mexican airlines seeem to have more leg room. It´s funny. It´s not like they are very tall in Mexico but we probably had almost double the space we have on a Dutch plane.
Landing in Mexico was.. well typical. Security went quickly despite us getting the random “you pushed the button and the light went red” security search. Our cabbie dropped us off at the wrong place.. the hostel that I booked because it was clean and had decent hot water pressure had.. broken their water and left things a bit messier than it looks in the pictures. Things have been a bit chaotic but we´ve been taking it in stride for the most part.
Perhaps the funnest part of my trip so far has been watching the wide eyes on Judah. He thinks Mexico city is very loud and stinky but he is also totally enthralled by it. I am relieved. I thought he might freak out a bit when he got here but he has been taking everything in and enjoying it. We took a subway yesterday to go the Museum of Anthropology. I love the Mexican subway. It is only a dollar and goes pretty much anywhere in the city. The system is old and run-down looking but it works well and transports almost 4 million people a day around town. We were the only white people on the train and everyone stared at us. Judah thinks everyone here is very friendly but he found the staring a bit much. The trains was so busy too… he was totally blown away by all the vendors selling candy and the blind people coming onto the train blaring music trying to sell Cd´s. Everything here is so much more in your face. It is a bit overwhelming at first but there is a vibrance about it I like. There is loud music everwhere and the smell of food coming at you from every direction. People are loud and direct.. yet extremely helpful despite the fact that most them speak no english.
Really I am having a ton of fun despite the twists and turns that Mexico always seems to throw. I miss my husband like crazy but other than that I feel I could just live like this forever. I am extremely comfortable living out of a backpack. There is something about the lack of stuff that I find soothing. And I love taking things day by day. Monotony and routine leave me feeling drained. I am very grateful I have this opportunity to take a breather from things even if it is only for such a brief while.
Today we move onto the next leg of our trip… the beach at Puerto Escondido. Wish us luck!
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Tags: adventures, Mexico City, pollution, Travel
Vacations.. ahhh vacations…
Next week Judah and I go off on pilgrimage of sorts. When I was pregnant with him I stayed in a little town in Mexico that got slammed by a hurricane. We knew about ten hours beforehand that a hurricane was coming but I had very little money and couldn’t get out of the town in time and ensure I had enough money left over to pay for food and lodging (cab fares go up a shocking amount when you are a white girl trying to flee a natural disaster). Judah has heard many stories of where I hid and the general chaos that ensued the days following the hurricane. The woman who gave me shelter asked me to bring my son back once he was born so he could go through a christianing ceremony of sorts. I don’t think she meant when he was eleven.. and I am not sure she will even remember us or her request but we are going back. Judah wants to see it.. he has been asking me to take him there for many many years.
The irony is that.. I am pregnant again. Travelling to Mexico during pregnancy is a little more challenging especially since budget requires us to stay in hostels and the cheaper cabanas. I know Mexico well enough to keep us safe. But the beds are lumpy, the bathrooms stink, the hostels are often full of travellers who are more interested in a party than seeing the sites and there are mosquitos… Mosquitos LOVE Judah. I am a bit worried the trip will be too much for him. Judah loves the idea of travelling but seems to get a bit lost once his comforts are taken away. Oddly enough he could camp anywhere around here with a nothing but a spoon and a tarp and be perfectly happy. International travels takes a toll on him though.
I feel quite emotional about this trip the closer it gets. Maybe it is just the hormones but when I look at pictures of the beach where I stayed I do feel overwhelmed. The most scared I have ever been in my life was there. I felt horrible when I left the beach. It felt wrong leaving when everyone’s lives were in such chaos and disaster. The whole town was just thatch roofed cabanas when I was there. After the hurricane the place was demolished. I wanted to stay and help rebuild but the military tanks spraying DDT, the malaria, the suffocating humidity post hurricane, the rampant dengue fever and the general uncleanliness.. all of it was too risky for a pregnant woman. So I left.
I also have a feeling of sadness because this is Judah and I’s last solo adventure for a while. I am thrilled to be married again and delighted to be having a baby and growing our family but for so long it was just Judah and I. There is a funny feeling of loss mixed with all this newness. Judah isn’t going to be an only child much longer. Sure we will get time on our own in the future but it is going to be a while before we go off on any more wild adventures (just the two of us). He will probably be a teenager before that happens again. It is odd having another child in some ways. I wonder how I will ever love another child as much as I love the one I already have. Other parents say you do.. and the love you have for each child is unique and special. I know in my heart that is true but it is interesting noticing the emotions that come up this time around.
Still despite all these melodramatic and bittersweet emotions I am excited to be going south again. This winter has been long and tiring. I feel so alive when I am in Mexico. The sunny bright days feed me. The sand and the surf soothe me. The food there is perfect for my body and the pace of living in southern Mexico is exactly my speed. Slow and relaxed. Bring on the hammocks!
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Tags: Hurricane Pauline, Hurricane Rick, Shambhala, Zipolite
The ethics of medical testing.
I have recently gone though a bunch of testing to find out if there are any abnormalities with our baby. When the doctor initially offered the tests I flat out refused the one for Down Syndrome because I had heard there was a chance of miscarriage due to the invasive nature of the test (big needle stuck in your tummy to take a ” sample”). She reassured me that the initial test was just a standard blood test… and that no other tests would be needed unless the screening came back positive. She also told me that this screening test only has a 88% accuracy rate. I figured peace of mind would be better than wondering the whole pregnancy if everything was okay so I got the test.. and I have been regretting it ever since.
My blood work came back positive as high risk for Down Syndrome. Mind you.. my blood is just on the edge of high risk. I have a 1 in 270 chance of having a baby with Down Syndrome. If my blood work had come back 1 in 271 she wouldn’t have called me. Why is 1 in 270 the cut off point? I think it has something to do with the fact that the further tests needed carry around a 1 in 200 chance of miscarriage. I suppose this number was picked so that the next step of more invasive testing was only offered to women who had a similar risk of having a baby with complications. Basically I have a .4% chance of having a baby with Down Syndrome.. and I have to decide if I want to get a test to find out if there is Down sydrome present..which carries a .5% chance of miscarriage.
Really it is impossible numbers. I know that .4% isn’t a big chance.. but I would have to say since I have been flagged as high risk I have been extremely stressed, worried and scared. To make matters worse our ultrasound came back with an abnormality that “can be” associated with Down Syndrome. (a larger than normal space between our babies big toe and the next toe) However.. this is not necessarily a Down Syndrome abnormality.. it can occur when Down Syndrome isn’t present and the doctor has told us that this doesn’t change our odds.. but that this is something that occurs in almost half of people with Down Syndrome.
Really I am a basket case now. They can’t tell me anything other than “maybe” unless I do a test that risks me losing my baby. If I had never gotten any of these tests I think I would still be worried.. but not nearly as much as I am now. Every appointment now involves some other discussion about how there “might be Down Syndrome” and let me tell you that pregnant women are already paranoid enough without all this sort of information coming at them. In doing more research I have discovered that many health professionals find the whole decision to even test for Down Syndrome unethical. These tests can cause risks to perfectly healthy babies.. and they put the parent in the awful place of having to decide whether to abort their child because they have Down Syndrome. Other people think these tests are wonderful and have the potential to reduce the number of Down Syndrome births.. but I am left thinking.. do we really have a right to abort a baby just because it has an extra chromasone?
Yet despite my feelings about ethics and how I think it is wrong for us to decide who lives and who dies in such a blatant, cold and clinical manner.. I still find myself terrified at the possibility of having a baby with Down Syndrome. Everyone I have talked to says not to worry.. but it is really hard not to freak out a bit when your pregnancy suddenly goes from “healthy” to “high risk”. For now all I can do though is try to figure out some way to relax and reduce the stress this has all brought on. Any ideas?
Filed under: Family, Health, Pregnancy | 7 Comments
Tags: Down Syndrome screening, Pregnancy, prenatal care, ultrasound
I used to be a regular writer of my blog but these days I have been letting it slip. Part of that is because I have been busy enough at work that I have not felt much like being on a computer for any extended period of time once I don’t have to be. Part of it is because my life now involves two other people who may or may not be comfortable with me freely sharing myself online.. because when I share myself I am also sharing them. Obviously being married involves another person… and sometimes I struggle a bit understanding how privacy boundaries work within a marriage. I am sure as time passes and Sebastiaan and I have been married longer this will become clearer to me but for now I am still trying to figure it all out. The other person is my son who until this year didn’t care much what I said about him and his accomplishments/problems. But alas he is getting to that age that everything matters to him and the thought of having anything said about him online that might be read by someone at school.. or a teacher.. or really anyone for that matter is a terrifying prospect. Watching him go through this part of his development makes me feel incredibly relieved that I am now an adult. Yes I still care what people think about me and yes my confidence is still influenced by those around me.. but as the years keep passing I find all this matters less and less. I wish I could show my son the peace of mind I have found but I know that time is really the only thing that will teach him.
As for the rest of my life.. many of you have given me shit for not announcing earlier that I am pregnant. I suppose part of that is because I usually announce things roughly ten seconds after I find out about them. But this just felt a bit strange to announce online especially before I was out of the danger zone for miscarriages. So yes.. I am pregnant, four and a half months pregnant. I am at the thrilling part of pregnancy where the nausea and exhaustion is subsiding and instead I just look a bit fat and bloated without actually looking pregnant at all. Give me another few weeks.. maybe I will get that little bump then and people can stop wondering if my sudden weight gain is just I because am letting myself go a little.
All in all the pregnancy so far has been.. annoying. I won’t waste much time whining on here but I certainly don’t feel like I am glowing. Mostly I am suffering from sleep deprivation. I am up three to four times a night having to pee which has thrown my whole sleep cycle into a pit of chaos. I have discovered a whole new level of empathy for people who suffer from insomnia. It really is hell. You are sooooo tired and yet.. sleep alludes you. The mind races and you can feel how heavy your limbs are but your eyes just won’t shut. I want to apologize to anyone of you who have complained about sleep deprivation in the past and I have responded by saying how relaxing or taking some herbs will fix it all. I was insensitive the scope of such a problem. My apologies.
Thankfully most other things in my life seem to be going well. No fighting with the hubby.. cat seems happy enough. Kid has his bumps but seems willing to communicate and work through things when he is cornered. House is damn expensive but at least we still have a house. And I will be having a baby in the spring so I will be off work when the weather is nice and hope to find some time to take advantage of the soil and beautiful yard I have. Small picture.. I feel like a sack of shit.. Big picture.. life is good.
Filed under: Family, Health, marriage | 1 Comment
My friends are crazy
I was having a wonderful talk the other night with a friend of mine about life, love, spirituality, creativity and community. One thing that I realized during this talk was that a lot of my friends have been diagnosed with a mental illness of some sort. Often this diagnosis occurs after an addiction crisis brings the mental illness to the forefront. I have lost track of how many people I know that have received treatment for concurrent disorders. What kinds of friends do I attract? Mostly bi-polar and manic depressive people.. although I do tend to also have friends with mild forms of autism, schizophrenia, and disassociation disorder. Almost all of these friends suffer from post traumatic stress disorder. I was diagnosed with PTSD with a strong element of dissociation as a trait in my PTSD. Thankfully this isn’t something that needs medication because if I was told I needed to take medication I very highly doubt I would take it.
The thing is.. my friends are BRILLIANT. My friends are the most amazing people with depth, talent, passion, compassion, loyalty.. Really I think my friends are those people that shine above the rest. Their values reach so far beyond the mundane that seems to fill so many people’s lives. They are all tough, resilient and highly intelligent… And they are considered crazy.
I stopped by a friend’s house last night and she was watching this http://www.ted.com/talks/ken_robinson_says_schools_kill_creativity.html In the presentation he talks about how too often we actually get educated out of our brilliance. In his mind we are all brilliant and it is the educator’s job to help children grow their natural talents not stifle them. I couldn’t agree more, except that I think this applies to everyone, not just children. I also believe that as adults we are responsible for helping those around us embrace who they are rather than trying to get people (troubled or not) to fit a mold that we deem appropriate. In truth I think everyone is crazy when it comes down to it. If you peel back the layers and get to really know someone it seems that way. How can teach ourselves to harness our beautiful craziness and direct it where we want it to go? It isn’t the craziness that is the problem.. it is the suffering that results from constantly stifling it. Don’t get me wrong. I do think there is a time and place for medication when it comes to mental illness. I have heard of many cases when there has been a chemical imbalance and medication has helped many of my friends. But I think sometimes we medicate just to make these people fit a mold that they were never meant to fit. In the link above there is a part where Ken Robinson tells the story of a child in the 1930’s who was sent to a psychiatrist because she obviously had a learning disorder. The girl couldn’t concentrate or sit still in class. The psychiatrist turned on the music, took the mother of the child outside and for a few moments and showed her how her daughter moved to the music. Then he said ”Mrs Lynn, Gillian isn’t sick.. she’s a dancer”. For some reason that really touched me. A large percent of my friends are told they are crazy but really how many of them are just dancers?
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Tags: beautiful friendships, bi-polar, intelligence, manic depressive, mental illness, passion
Keeping our hearts open
I am worried about a friend. This friend is very ill with addiction and is wasting away. I guess I knew this was going to happen. I saw it coming years ago. It was predictable. If you dance on the edges of razor blades for years of course you are going to get hurt. Yet the time is here and I find myself oddly surprised. It is always surprising, addiction, no matter how much you brace yourself for it.
I think the hardest part is how helpless it feels to be on the outside. What do I do? What can I do? I have to do something.. but what? And how much can I do? How much can I give without totally exhausting myself and my finances in the process. It is this slippery slope. A possible black hole that could suck me in and leave me drained. But I have to do something. Even if my actions fall empty and no positive results come from them. I have to do something.
There have been many times in my life I have been confused about how to keep my heart open without leaving it so wide open that I allow it to be abused. Maintaining healthy boundaries has been something I have often struggled with. As I see my friend in pain though I feel a deep sadness. I feel soft and open and like the pain of others is my own pain. Ironically the past few days since I have been feeling this way I have been surrounded by addicts. On my lunch break walks the addicts have been swarming me in a way they usually don’t. It is like they know that drug abuse is a theme in my mind. I have been followed, asked for money, talked to, pleaded and begged to.. I don’t feel scared. I don’t feel any of these people will hurt me but the closeness is a bit intimidating sometimes. Yesterday on my walking route there was a man lying on the grass (right out in the open) with a beautiful young women sticking a needle into his neck. Right there.. right on the side of the road. A few friends were around them. They smiled at me as I walked by.
I just don’t know what to do.
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Tags: drug abuse, friendship, healing, helpless
Is it real?
As many of you know I am very interested in the paranormal.. or the magickal… or the “energetic vibrational alternative healing techniques” or other new agey kind of stuff. Despite my love of all things mystical I also seem to surround myself with very grounded and highly skeptical friends. I am often left questioning myself. Is what I want to be true actually true?
In Victoria we have tons of healers.. I have had sound therapy, reiki, hypnotism, acupuncture, crystal therapy, chakra attunement, qi gong healing, naturopathic counselling, homeopathic counselling and a whole bunch of other types of healing that I can’t even remember. I have gone to tarot readers, pyschics, shamans, exorcisms… the list goes on and on. Honestly all I can say is that for me MOST of this has all been hogwash. The only things that made a real noticeable difference was the acupuncture and naturopathic treatment and that makes sense seeing as the amount of schooling these practitioners had to go through was rather intense.
The thing is.. for some people these techniques I consider hogwash do work. Why? And why do they not work for me? And why when things are so obviously false do people still cling to the idea that they are not? An example was a psychic who I worked with. This person foresaw a big earthquake was coming to the island. We were all going to be washed away to our watery graves and this was going to happen in 1998. Several people moved to the interior of B.C.. selling their businesses, changing everything in their lives.. but then she was wrong.. And I find myself wondering how these people justified this to themselves. I suspect they have built another fantasy. Actually the death was the death of their “island self”.. it was all symbolic and necessary to bring them to their new life inland or something. But really.. it was just a scam. She was wrong. End of story. I am sure people will do the same sort of fantasy telling when 2012 doesn’t bring the epic crash quite like we thought it would. People will find a way to make it true. People will change the story so it makes sense.
I think what it comes down to is that life is much more about our perceptions than reality. We bend and shape what we see. If we really believe we will be healed chances are we will. Maybe that healing won’t be physical. Maybe as we lay dying we will realize it was emotional peace we actually wanted and we got it. I don’t know. But I know that what we think has much more power to affect change in our life than we give it credit for.
I am sure I sound a bit like I am new age bashing but I am not really. I think healers are necessary. If nothing else I think having someone care for you and pay attention to you even if you are paying for it is a good thing. Ironically some of the women I know who have been prostitutes feel this way about their profession. They are healers too. Acknowledging we need healing. Seeking it out and actually handing over our hard earned cash for it. I am sure this makes it real for many people. But is it real? And who really is doing the work? Is it the healer? Or the person being healed.
For now I leave you with this http://www.skepdic.com/essays/energyhealing.htm and this http://www.hno.harvard.edu/gazette/2002/04.18/09-tummo.html
Two fun things I read today that got me thinking.
Filed under: Health | 5 Comments
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Recent Entries
- A bit of a wake up call..
- It is so bloody hot here..
- Adventures in the land of pollution…
- Vacations.. ahhh vacations…
- The ethics of medical testing.
- My blog has been feeling neglected lately..
- My friends are crazy
- Keeping our hearts open
- Bodhisattva in metro
- Is it real?
- I love this.. and I love that I know people who would do something like this..
